Wonders

I would like to say hello this morning. It’s just ways to starting a conversation. As I rode the bus this morning. I reflect on my life until this point. I realize I can’t shake my generational curses, until I figure out how they were passed down to me. As for my friends and family  that knows me, my real father has never partaken in my life. As a handful know as well I was diagnosed with bipolar at a young age. I was on meds when I was in grade school and it hurts to this day. I never really knew why my mom did that to me and hearing people speak that upon me. As any religious person would say life and death is in the tongue. So never use your mouth as a sword to cut someone. As I continue to grow, I yearn to know my father so I can understand my ways of going about things. I admit my mom raised a man without him, but later found a real man who helped pitch in (Mr Currie). The best step-father God could send me., has helped me over the past 12 years or longer experience the better half of life outside the hood. He showed me how to love a child without backing out. I love my dad, when he first married my mom he wanted to adopt me. Me not knowing any better I should have, but instead I said no I want to keep my last name.How dumb of me, I wish could have changed that, because he would have been the man I was searching for to help me know who I am as a person. I really want to know why I flip out and say horrible things to my wife without thinking about it first. I want to know why it comes natural to me without any remorse. I don’t want to continue the vicious cycle of family history. People just don’t know how bad of a person I feel I am, because I always fall short to cursing when I get angry. I don’t mean to, I will never want to lose the one person in the world that love me unconditionally with my flaws.You all don’t feel me talking. I don’t want to lose my 80% for the worthless and non existing 20%. I feel I want her all to myself, Salina you are my everything. I wonder sometimes if the young ladies in my past play a part in how I respond to my wife.  The three young ladies really had me going. The one that ripped me apart was named Amy, she tortured  the man I was trying to be. she got pregnant by some guy and still don’t acknowledge she was wrong for putting me through hell. Amy dogged me out to everyone she knew in my past and all over the radio. Not letting it be known I reached out and spent money on that baby knowing it could be a possibility it was not mines. until I got the government to make her give me a DNA TEST. I was harboring pain for two years long and wanted to kill her and myself  for feeling like I was stupid for trying to help do my part. I even told her I would continue to take care of the little girl Talia, as if she was my own blood, because I cared a lot. Didn’t work out that way so I went from being a dog, to being a husband. That has not had the desire to turn back. Salina hear me well, you are all the woman I will ever need. You gave me the child I asked for. I hope one day I can get to the root of evil in me, I want to be the best man, husband, father and dad I can be. Did you hear me. I want to be a Godly man of all traits. I just want to know why I think the way I do and get mad like I do. There is a lot of untold answers I will love to get to the bottom of. Now that am almost at work, I can stop crying inside with pain and bitterness. Having a long bus ride can help me catch peace, lol. Its real funny how God grants things you ask for. Everyone thanks for taking another day to read whats in my head today. Let my thoughts of life be a stepping stone for you not to walk as I walk and see how I see.

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